Anyone who has suffered the loss of a baby ~ whether at 4 weeks or 40 weeks of pregnancy knows the heartache and pain that can often be a part of loss. Often family and friends do not know how to respond to your pain …. Here is a brief guide to help them along the way.

Don't say, "It's God's Will."   Why was it God’s will that my baby died, and not someone else’s?  Saying things like this compound my grief, and my guilt.  I cannot believe God would will for my baby to die.  Comments like this can really hurt.    

Don't say, "It was for the best - there was probably something wrong with your baby." The fact that something was wrong with the baby is what is making me so sad. My poor baby never had a chance. Please don't try to comfort me by pointing that out.

Don't say, "You can always have another one." This is no comfort to me when it was THIS baby I wanted, and still want so desperately.  Please do not brush off my baby so easily.  There may be another, but there will never be another time for THIS baby.   This is especially hard if we’ve waited long and hard for this baby.  To have your miracle snatched away from you is cruel and painful.  At this moment, I’m scared there will never be another baby.

Don't say, "Be grateful for the children you have." If your mother died in a terrible wreck and you grieved, would that make you less grateful to have your father?

Don't say, "Thank God you lost the baby before you really loved it." I loved my baby since the minute we knew he or she existed.   Whether I lost the baby after two weeks of pregnancy or just after birth, I loved him or her.

Don't say, "Isn't it time you got over this and moved on?" It is not as easy as it seems, to just ‘move on’    If you lost a parent, would you be able to move on and forget so easily?  I will feel better in time, but I will never forget my baby.

Don't say, "Now you have an angel watching over you." I never wanted an Angel.  I wanted to hold my child in my arms, and never let him or her go.  Knowing she is an angel doesn’t help me.

Don't say, "I understand how you feel." Unless you've lost a child, you really don't understand how I feel. And even if you have lost a child, everyone experiences grief differently

Don't tell me horror stories you’ve heard” I really don’t need to hear right now that someone else has had it ‘worse’ than me, even if their story has a happy ending.  Hearing about someone else’s pain does not lessen my own pain.

 Don't pretend it didn't happen and don't change the subject when I bring it up. If I say, "Before the baby died..." or "when I was pregnant..." don't get scared. If I'm talking about it, it means I want to. Let me. Pretending it didn't happen will only make me feel utterly alone.   It actually helps me to talk about it sometimes. 

Things you CAN do to help a bereaved couple.

Do let them know you care ~ something as simple as a card, or a bunch of flowers, lets them know they’re not alone, and that people are thinking of them.

Do be there to listen if I need to cry ~ nothing else is needed.  Just saying ‘I’m sorry’ is enough.  Holding me when I cry means the world.  

Do understand if I can’t answer the phone right now, or if I don’t return your calls.  I’m grieving, and I will call you, I just need time.

Do understand I have suffered a death in my family, and I may be in shock.  Part of that may include going over and over what happened for a time … this will not go on for ever, so please listen while I need you.

Above all, please remember that this is the worst thing that ever happened to them. The word "miscarriage" is small and easy. But their baby's death is monolithic and awful. It's going to take them a while to figure out how to live with it. Bear with them!